Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Top 50 Retro Testosterone Fueled games for Men


Playtimes over. The 80's ended. I grew up. You grew up.

Sad isn't it?

well get used to it, you arn't getting any younger. But don't worry you can always escape reality with these amazing games from your childhood. This list is only about games that are still fun to play now as an adult, so you won't find Fluffy wuffy's funhouse. You'll find Rage McBloodfist's roided up firing-a-gatling-gun-out-of-an-exploding-helicopter's adventure.

So unsurprisingly these will mostly be from the Sega Megadrive (Genesis) as most Nintendo games are for wimps. Wussy wimps. I'll also include Sega Cd, 32x, master system, Nes and Arcade

Caution! You may find your muscles and balls getting huge at how awesome this list is
1. Shadowrun

Platform: Megadrive
  • A Cyberpunk Action RPG.
  • Very Immersive
  • Cool Music
  • Can be quite difficult to get to grips with at first.







2. Streets of Rage series
Platform: Megadrive
  • Face punching action
  • Groin Kicking action
  • Hitting people with bottles, bats, knives and pipes








3. Beyond Oasis
Platform: Megadrive
  • Zelda Clone but Way better
  • Almost as good as Alundra
  • Story is a bit lacking









4. Monster World IV
Platform: Megadrive
  • Spin-off from Wonderboy
  • Later levels require too many perfect jumps










5. Golden Axe series


Platform: Megadrive
  • Flex pecs
  • Hit people with axes










6. Super Metroid
Platform: Snes
  • Metroidvania
  • peow peow







7. Demon's Crest
Platform: Snes
  • Burn down churches
  • Steal Souls
  • Profit







8. Clock Tower
Platform: Snes
  • Chop up people with scissors
  • Die 1000 deaths











9. The Punisher


Platform: Arcade
  • Interrogate Hooligans, then execute them
  • Break a bat over a man's face











10. Snatcher
Platform: Sega CD
  • Investigate Snow-9 and such n'such











11. Chrono Trigger
Platform: Snes
  • Maybe the best RPG ever








12. Terranigma
Platform: Snes
  • Epic Zelda Clone








13. Road Rash series
Platform: Megadrive
  • Beat people with chains
  • Speed down the highway like a slug from a .45
  • True death









14. Musha
Platform: Megadrive
  • Amazing music
  • Blow up robots with your robot











15. Street Fighter 2


Platform:Snes
  • I'd like some Poundcake







16. Duke Nukem 3D
Platform: PC
  • It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum
  • And I'm all out of gum
  • tits








17. Shinobi Series


Platform: Megadrive
  • Slash up Arnold, Spiderman, Batman and godzilla with a Katana











18. Splatterhouse Series
Platform: Megadrive
  • Take steroids
  • Go apeshit







    19. Castlevania Series
    Platform: Snes
    • Crack that whip
    • kill vampires











    20. Knuckles Chaotix
    Platform: Sega 32X
    • Sonic based puzzle type game











    21. Flashback
     Platform: Sega CD
    • Uncover a global conspiracy through use of your science glasses











    22. Comix Zone
    Platform: Megadrive
    • Kick ass
    • unfortunately you play as a pencil knecked geek











    23. Mortal Kombat
    Platform: Megadrive
    • Bloodiest game of it's time
    • Bit dated











    24. Decap Attack
    Platform: Megadrive
    • The Japanese got the wuss version, we were too bad-ass to put up with that nonsense.











    25. Forgotten Worlds



    Platform: Megadrive
    • Fly through space shooting idiots
    • Do some bicep curls









    26. Ecco the Dolphin series


    Platform: Megadrive
    • Depressing adventure of a tortured sea mammal
    • Brilliant




    27. Contra series
     Platform:Snes
    • Now we're talking!
    • This game will build 2kg of lean muscle mass











    28. Zombies Ate My Neighbours


    Platform:Snes
    • B-movie inspired fun
    • Bit dated








    29. Super Punch out
    Platform:Snes
    • So good Nintendo re-released it as a new game and charged 60 euro for it. Twits!








    30. Actraiser series
    Platform:Snes
    • Great mix of action platforming and World building
    • Wussed out for Actraiser 2 but still fun








    31. Solstice
    Platform:Nes
    • Who said wizards had to be nerds, this bastard has taken his creatine
    • Brilliant music










    32. Rise of the Dragon
    Platform: Sega CD
    • Drug Dealing
    • Nudity
    • Violent deaths











    33. Robo Eleste
    Platform:Sega CD
    • Play as a gigantic robot samurai
    • Oppress merchant and farmer Castes











    34. NARC


    Platform: Arcade
    • Gun down hippies with extreme predjudice











    35. Doom


    Platform: PC
    • Chainsaw your enemies
    • Chainsaw them again











    36. Smash Tv
    Platform: Megadrive
    • I'd buy that for a doller!












    37. Lost Vikings
    Platform: Megadrive
    • Kidnap Irish wenches and bring them to Norway
    • Profit











    38. Blackthorn
    Platform: Sega 32X
    • One of only 2 games released for the 32X











    39. Alisia Dragoon
    Platform: Megadrive
    • Scantily clad woman from the past attacks Hubel Space telescope











    40. General Chaos

    Platform: Megadrive
    • Chew cigars
    • Bit dated











    41. Herzog Zwei
     Platform: Megadrive
    • Werner Herzog seal of approval
    • Better than Herzog Ein











    42. Mercs


    Platform: Megadrive
    • Dakka Dakka Dakka











    43. X-Men 2: Clone Wars
    Platform: Megadrive
    • I am the rocks of the eternal shore
    • Crash against me and be broken












    44. Dr. Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine
    Platform: Megadrive
    • Dominate the bean world
    • See no. 24 











    45. Rocket Knight Series
    Platform: Megadrive
    Stop the Nazi's from stealing Howard Hughes's Rocket packSplatterhouse series







    46. Ninja Gaiden Series
    Platform:Nes
    • That Ninjitsu won't help you in the Octogon  (Unless you're Steve Jennum)











    47. Out of this world Series (Heart of the alien)
    Platform:Sega CD
    • Brilliant Game
    • Too hard!











    48. Phelios


    Platform: Megadrive
    • Makes Kratos look like some geek like you











    49. Kid Chameleon


    Platform: Megadrive
    • Turn into a Samurai and attack screaming heads











    50. Micro Machines
    Platform: Megadrive
    • Loved this game as a kid
    • Bit dated










    Honorable Mentions: Robot Unicorn Attack, Earthworm Jim, Mario Series, Megaman Series, Twinkle Tail, Cyborg Hunter, Popfull Mail, Eswat, Robocop vrs. Terminator,

    Sorry lads